From Fury to Focus: Unlocking the Hidden Wisdom of Anger!

Anger might be my new favorite emotion. I think too many people underestimate the beauty of anger. It is way too often misunderstood. I think it gets its bad reputation from all those people who don’t know what to do with it. They hit things, yell, and basically act in the most inappropriate ways. Cut it out!

This is what I often tell my clients. What does your body do when you get hungry? Your stomach growls and you might feel that pang in your belly. The solution is to feed yourself. Is feeling hungry bad? Only if you don’t pay attention to its cry to “Feed Me!” What does your body do when you are tired? Your eyes dip and you yawn. The solution is to go to bed. Is feeling tired bad? Only if you don’t give it what it wants…sleep. Anger is no different. It’s another feeling that wants something.

Anger is different for everyone. It can be a tight jaw for some and for others it can be clenched fists. The problem is, we give into impulse rather than listening to the feeling. What is anger asking for? Punch something? No. Break your cell phone by throwing it? No. Yell at the people you love? No. Anger is asking for something to change.

What? Change? Yes! Anger is our body giving us a sign that we desire change. Some changes we have control over and some we don’t. Either way, the first step is taking time to take a deep breath and ask yourself “What change am I craving right now? Can I communicate it without flipping out? Can I get support if it’s too big? Do I really want to break my own things? Can I talk to the people I love without yelling?”

Think about all the times you have been yelled at. Did you ever think “Yeah, I think they are right” or did you think they were a jerk or scary or something else not very flattering? If you changed your behavior, it was only out of fear or annoyance. Did you walk away respecting the yelling person? I doubt it. When you are yelling at someone you are handing your power over to them and you no longer will have the impact you want on them.

So, let’s take this information and create a plan. You start to feel angry. Stop! Take a deep breath. Ask “What do I want to be different right now?” Find the best way to communicate that to others. We therapists love any statement that starts with “I feel angry (frustrated, fearful,…) when_________” Start there.

TLDR: Anger is the emotion of change. Don't fight it. Respect it.

*previously published on the Counseling Dynamics website which is no longer available.