Love Always Comes with Hurt. But It’s Worth It.

My dear friend

This past year I lost a very dear friend to Alzheimer’s. It was very sad, and it ripped me up for a while. As I was in the middle of grieving this great loss, I realized that the reason the grieving was so intense was because I had loved her so deeply. This got me thinking about all the people I care about who have come and gone in my life. What is the cost of loving deeply?

I think of childhood friends who played with me in the sprinkler, who stayed up all night talking at slumber parties, who listened to me go on about my neighborhood crush, and who consoled me when my parents got divorced. I cherish the memories filled with those friends I had in college who got me through my first year of living away from home, who stayed up late studying, who hung out talking about nothing for hours, and the roommate who got mad I didn’t do my dishes AGAIN. I remember the boy who gave me my first kiss, the crushes that had me swooning and writing in my diary, the breakups that left me crying to some song on the radio, and those tearful goodbye kisses. We laughed. We got angry. We cried. We laughed again. I have to say, it was all worth it.

Our society is pain avoidant. We take medicine at any sign of physical pain. We apologize for crying in front of friends. We try to cheer people up even when their need might be for us to just sit with them in sadness. We numb our pain with TV, social media, shopping, alcohol, drugs… Do we avoid relationships to avoid the pain of it ending? Are we living lonely lives to avoid the pain of losing love? Isn’t loneliness more painful in the long run?

I love this thing I read somewhere. “Trust is not about trusting the other person, but about ourselves trusting that we can survive when the relationship is over.” And the truth is, we can. I have survived. You have survived. Billions of people have been heartbroken losing a friend, a family member, a loved one. Billions have survived broken relationships, people moving away, and people dying. We love because we need to be loved. We are designed for community.

So now I take risks. I am bold about my vulnerability with my friends. I tell them when I need them. I share my real hurts and am willing to look emotional and sappy. My friendships have only gotten deeper and more meaningful as I have gotten older and taken these bigger efforts to be the real me. I don’t want to protect myself anymore. I am willing to hurt and cry if it means having a deep connection. I want to cry when a friend dies. I want to be sad when a friend is leaving or moving away. The cost to love is sadness, hurt and grief. I’m willing to pay that cost.

I know this post is very weighty. But I’m not willing to avoid hard feelings, especially when they are inevitable and kind of beautiful. Look at music, art, and poetry. They are pouring over with the feelings of love and loss. This connects us. Use the arts to create something or console yourself when life hurts. We all probably have songs that remind us of someone special in our past. With time those songs put a smile on our faces as we remember “then”. The sadness that comes after heartbreak can be very beautiful when given a little time.

So, what do you choose? Is it going to be a life filled with loneliness and safety? OR, do you choose to take risks and love deeply?